What a difference a year makes...

I wake up and look in the mirror and think “even though it isn’t the thinner, less wrinkled, 25 year old Jill, this 32 year old woman staring back is finally absolutely beautiful- to me.”  I struggled with loving myself and respecting myself because of what the world said was “cool” and because of those who crossed my path.  But after what seemed to be the worst day of my life, I decided it was time to make a change.

It all started with an awakening that happened at the end of 2013 going into 2014. It was a horrible Christmas night, dealing with screaming and abuse, I thought to myself, “God, why does this keep happening to me?”  In that year, I was determined to find the answer.  After tears, continuous struggles with my relationship, prayers, and reflection, I had to face that the one common denominator in all of it was ME. 

You see, because of what I allowed in my life, I no longer knew who I was in the eyes of God.  And that’s how this cycle all started. Sure my parents and loved ones told me I was precious and even many of my boyfriends.  But the world can eat you up, bad relationships can break you and then you forget who you are.  At least that’s what happened to me. Ten years of allowing others to mistreat me and listening to the world, was like non-stop, chipping away at the person God intended me to be.  Little by little, I turned into a person who wasn’t even sure who she was anymore.  But 2015 changed ALL of that!

After that fight on Christmas night, I started to become aware that I needed God more.  So I threw myself into his arms and let him lead more often. However, I still had one foot in and one foot out and I was constantly in a battle in my relationship. But as the year went on, I got closer and closer to God. He kept revealing to me that I was loved and worthy no matter my faults, past etc.  This was when I started to accept less and love myself more. In November 2014, I ended my relationship and decided it was time to heal the right way.  I struggled with staying single at first. Because of a severely abusive relationship at the age of 19, I formed this habit of bandaging up the pain of my last relationship with a new one. Romantic relationships were my weakness and I thought I’d never learn to live without them. They were to me what heroin is to an addict. The thought of being alone was so gut wrenchingly painful for me.  After a break up, I’d go out every night in search for my next relationship and if I didn’t find someone, I’d get drunk enough so that when I went home to my parents house, I didn’t have to think about sleeping alone. Luckily, it would only take me about 3-4 weeks to find a new boyfriend or else I’d probably be in rehab by now. Sad right? No! Because of my weakness God was able to show me his power. I learned to lean on God when I got lonely. If you told me 2 years ago that I had to be alone for a year, I would have thrown up at the thought of it.  But not only have I learned to live without a man, but I LIVE all alone! If you only understood how hard that concept was for me, you’d know Jesus performs miracles.  My favorite verse in the bible says “for my power is made perfect in weakness,” and now I’m sure you can see why it’s my favorite.

But that’s not all God has done for me this year! When I let God lead he put a life coach/mentor in my life who has become like my sister and she inspires me every day.  Then he put an amazing church in my life and now I get to live out my passion by singing powerful songs there every weekend.  God also put an amazing friend in my life who started a group called Cityfam and we get to feed the homeless, go ice skating together and now we are all headed to Honduras in the summer to help the poor.  Knowing God personally, has pushed me to be more in a new career and now I’m doing financially well at a job I love.  All of these things have happened because I put my life in God’s hands.  I would have never been healthy, happy or at peace, had I not turned all of me over to him.  2015 was one for the books and with God by my side, 2016 will only be better! Let God change you this year. Happy New Year to all of you and remember, you are really, really loved.

A tribute to the baby that saved the world

The story starts with a woman who willingly accepted Gods purpose for her life that almost destroyed her relationship with her fiancé. How many of us would willingly accept a calling for our lives that could possibly stop our marriage from the man we love? 

Mary was engaged to Joseph. And when she told him that she was pregnant and that God spoke to her, he quietly left her. I assume he thought what any other guy would have thought, "she isn't a virgin and she cheated." But like many of us who have tried to run from God, God just doesn't let up. Joseph was pursued over and over in his dreams until he knew in his spirit Mary was telling the truth. Joseph then asked Mary for forgiveness and came back to her. 

As their journey continued it filled every prophecy written in the Old Testament. Every place they had gone from Bethlehem to Egypt to Nazareth, it all was foretold by the greatest prophets who ever lived. 

The baby was then born, and given to us by God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." The baby  would continue to grow up and fulfill the prophecies that were written many many years before. 

But he fulfilled one amazing promise that has changed the world. His life has caused new life every minute of every day. His life has changed lives. His life has changed the world. His life continues to bring hope into a world that sometimes seems hopeless. His life has awakened the sinful, the weak, the insecure. His life is the one life that continues to bring what is dead to life! 

Someone said to me "Jesus is for the weak and the broken." And I almost went into attack mode until I realized how right they were! Who among us has never been weak or have never felt broken? We all have been and we all need to be saved from ourselves. We all need this child that was born so many years ago. He is the life giver and his birth is what saved the world. I praise and give glory for this day for it is the day that saved my life. His life saved mine.

I owe all to you. And I love you so much. Happy birthday Jesus! 

Love always, 

                Jill 

Steps are EVERYTHING!

One step didn't lead you to where you are in life today.  Where you are now was made up of many small steps in that specific direction. 

There is a great thing in knowing this fact. If one step started your course, at any moment you can change your course.  In one of my favorite movies Vanilla Sky, Penelope Cruz says “every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around!” If you’ve made many bad decisions and find yourself standing in a place you don’t really want to be, take one step in the right direction and you have just changed your course. Then after that step, take another small step in the right direction and repeat. Good decision after good decision, you will find yourself standing in the place of joy, rest, and peace even when bad things arise.

Looking at where you want to be can be really overwhelming. But when you see that it's made up of just a bunch of small steps, it doesn’t seem so tough to get there anymore!  Of course you can’t make one step in the right direction and think you are going to be standing where you want to be.  But to the contrary, if you start making many steps in the right direction and then make a bad decision, you aren’t going to be standing back in that bad place you once were. This is where GRACE takes place.  I love grace and all that it has done for my life.  Grace is the very character of God’s nature.  God’s grace is an overflowing of mercy and compassion for our “humanness.”  His grace is what made me take my very first step in the right direction.  I knew if I just tried daily doing the right thing, even if I failed, God’s love for me would still thrive! Knowing that he loved me no matter what, put me up to the challenge of trying to be more like Christ.  I knew he would be with me every step of the way and if I fell, not only would he forgive me, he would also be there to pick me up and comfort me. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of ALL comfort.”-2 Cor. 1:3

As a believer, you can’t do anything to make God love you more or less then he already does.  This doesn’t mean you never sin again or that when you sin you can just dismiss it.  It means God loves you throughout your journey of becoming more Christ like.  It takes many small steps to arrive there and it’s about progress, not perfection!

And if you don’t know which steps are the right steps, God has already made a way.  Just ask him to show you. Prayer, reading verses from the bible and having a relationship with him all cause you to hear his direction for your life.  “Righteousness goes before him and prepares a way for his steps.”-Psalms 85:13.

Listen, you cannot do anything about what is behind you, but you can do a great deal about what lies ahead of you.  “Let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you.”- Proverbs 4:25. You can do this!

I've Been Through the Fire and I'm Thankful

There’s no such thing as too broken.  Or too damaged.  Here you are telling yourself that you’ve been through too much to love someone the right way and have a good relationship.  Here you are telling yourself you will never be a person of high regard because your past is too incriminating. Here you are saying you aren’t worth a certain amount of money because that’s just not where you come from!

Trust me when I say this- “I’ve been through the fire.”  I’ve been beaten.  I’ve been sexually abused.  I’ve been verbally ripped to shreds.  I’ve done the low life in the bars.  I’ve done it all.  I’ve seen things, felt things and heard things that no one should.  But I am no longer a victim of any of it. That fire, I walked through it!  Those men, they are gone! Those words and bruises, don’t mean a thing! 

Do you know what it would mean to me if you had the perfect family, married your high school sweetheart at age 21 and never drank a sip of alcohol and then tried to tell me that God can change my life? Nothing! What an amazing and gracious life that would be but my pain is beauty and so is yours! Now let me ask you, do you know what it would mean to me if you were broke, homeless, and addicted to heroin but now you’re married and successful and tried to tell me that God can change my life?  Then you’d get my attention!  Your life would be a testimony for what God can do for me.  

Your brokenness is what reaches people.  Your humble past and honest truth will help others open up and be honest with you and themselves! Every pain I ever had, had its purpose. In the midst of it, I felt rough and in those moments looked even rougher.  But all of it has made me beautiful. The power I drew from my circumstances and the confidence I have from knowing I got through it is beauty.  God showed me how perfect he was in my times of weakness (2 Cor. 9-10). The worth I see in myself and the abundance that I know awaits me is flawless.  I would have never sought this wisdom if I hadn’t gone through the fire.  Don’t let the past destroy you.  Let it strengthen you! Your pain has a purpose.

Warning: Diamonds are formed under immense heat and pressure. ;)

The Walls Must Come Down

“I’m just comfortable here in this decent paying job and in this ok relationship.  Sure I’m a little bored at work and my boyfriend gets angry here and there but I make acceptable money and at least my boyfriend isn’t an alcoholic or on drugs!” 

How many times have you reasoned with your thoughts as to keep yourself right where you are? How many times have you convinced yourself that you are happy?  How many times did the devil tell you that you are happy just to keep you from the destiny God has for you?

Let me smack you with some truth! We are only as good as we believe ourselves to be.  We only get  what we think we deserve. And these walls are built by our own experiences through parents, society, relationships, outside sources etc. But you don't have to live like that anymore! God didn’t build these walls! These walls aren’t even REAL!  The walls MUST come down!

Did you know that God wants you to step out of your comfort zone and see you grow?  He wants to take you to new heights and places that you never dreamed of.  You serve a big God that can do big things!  God has equipped you with everything you need to have an amazing life. The bible says “he who has started a good work in you is faithful to complete it!”  Don’t you know that you are God’s child and he has blessed you with so much to give you an amazing future? God’s kingdom is not about earning and deserving. It is about believing and receiving.  Be open to what God has for you! Accept his undeserved gift of life and love with a grateful heart!

2 Corinthians 9:8 says “and God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having more then you need, you will abound in every good work.”  Start believing this for yourself.  Start receiving it before it’s even in sight. Take a hammer to the walls, take a leap of faith and let the Lord catch you on the other side where an abundant life lies.  

Make the Change

Many of us are happy getting up doing our normal lives.  It’s comfortable. Day in and day out and making the best of it.  But then other days you wake up and say “there’s got to more.”  Well, at least that’s what has been happening with me the last 2 years.

I read a quote that said “It’s only when Christ dwells within our hearts, that we discover who we are and what we were intended to be.” After I read that, it totally made sense to me why I have been having these tugs at my heart to be “more.” I have been delighting in my relationship with God and he without a doubt dwells in my heart and is showing me my purpose.  So why am I still in the same place?  That’s the difficult part….change.

I keep having opportunities to make a change.  I have opportunities to get out of the same mundane things that I’ve been doing, yet I won’t take the plunge!  Why?! I keep battling that question myself. Then I realize- I’m scared.  I’m scared that when I get there I won’t like it or I will fail or it won’t really be where God wants me.  So there I sit, in my same comfy seat and don’t make a move. 

Is that what God wants for us?  To just be comfortable?  To just be happy right where we are forever?  Of course he wants us to be joyful and thankful in all of our circumstances. But to stay complacent and not ever grow?  In fact, I KNOW that’s not what he wants! 

Think about your earthly father, does he want to see you locked up in your same old life or does he want to see you grow and be successful?  For most of us, it’s the latter. So imagine what your all loving, amazing Father in heaven wants for you! The bible tells us over and over how God wants us to be abundant in all things.  These are the words I need to focus on when I freeze thinking about change. These are the words I need to meditate on!  God wants it ALL For me! He wants to see me reach my full potential and I’m not talking just financially.  I’m talking about in love, relationships, children and my career. He wants the same for you too!

Jesus said to us, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that you may have life and have it ABUNDANTLY!”  Then he said “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and give you a future.” 

What an amazing word from your creator. THAT’S what he wants! And that’s more than enough to take off the security blankets and make the change. 

Patience

The.hardest.thing.ever. I am not a patient person at all. I want answers and I want them now. I want to know my task ahead at work. I want to know where we are going for dinner and what's on the menu before I even get there. I want to know what the plans are for Saturday on Monday! So you can imagine how impatient I am with that ticking clock in the back of my mind telling me "um, you're getting older and you can't have kids when you're 40!"

This impatience has gotten me into BIG trouble over the last 32 years. I have filled the void with the wrong things just to satisfy my impatience. Have you ever left a job you didn't enjoy just to take another job you didn't realize you weren't going to enjoy either because you didn't consult with God about it? Have you ever gotten out of one relationship and just filled it with the next thing that came along without looking to God first? Yea, well so have I. 

Do you realize that because of your impatient reactions, you are actually prolonging your wait for what God has for you?  Mistake after mistake happens and you prolong your destiny. Learn from my lessons learned. I realize that I could already have many of my desires if I had just taken my decisions to God first. I have heard it said "a righteous person trusts God but a proud person depends on himself to make things happen."  I have been so proud for so long. I was TOO proud to be single. I was TOO proud to start from the bottom to get the job I wanted, and the list of my proud moments goes on. 

Is this you too? I know waiting is hard but the consequences of our impatience is harder. Don't you trust that the God who created the earth can certainly bring you your desires and at the right time? Gods timing is perfect just like everything else he does. 

Right now I'm in a season of waiting. But I am learning to trust and to be certain in God's promise to "give me the desires of my heart" (Psalm 37:4). When I start to get impatient I remind myself that the waiting process is actually preparing me for my answer. If I have my answer too early, I may not know how to receive it!
Often times, I question if my answer is already in my life and I am left with uncertainty. This is when I remind myself to remain in Gods presence until he changes my uncertainty. This will not only bring you exactly what God wants for you but it will also bring you peace. 

God said "I am doing something in your days that you would not believe if you were told" (Hab 1:5). I don't know about you but that's something I am willing to wait for! Be patient. It's coming!