What a difference a year makes...

I wake up and look in the mirror and think “even though it isn’t the thinner, less wrinkled, 25 year old Jill, this 32 year old woman staring back is finally absolutely beautiful- to me.”  I struggled with loving myself and respecting myself because of what the world said was “cool” and because of those who crossed my path.  But after what seemed to be the worst day of my life, I decided it was time to make a change.

It all started with an awakening that happened at the end of 2013 going into 2014. It was a horrible Christmas night, dealing with screaming and abuse, I thought to myself, “God, why does this keep happening to me?”  In that year, I was determined to find the answer.  After tears, continuous struggles with my relationship, prayers, and reflection, I had to face that the one common denominator in all of it was ME. 

You see, because of what I allowed in my life, I no longer knew who I was in the eyes of God.  And that’s how this cycle all started. Sure my parents and loved ones told me I was precious and even many of my boyfriends.  But the world can eat you up, bad relationships can break you and then you forget who you are.  At least that’s what happened to me. Ten years of allowing others to mistreat me and listening to the world, was like non-stop, chipping away at the person God intended me to be.  Little by little, I turned into a person who wasn’t even sure who she was anymore.  But 2015 changed ALL of that!

After that fight on Christmas night, I started to become aware that I needed God more.  So I threw myself into his arms and let him lead more often. However, I still had one foot in and one foot out and I was constantly in a battle in my relationship. But as the year went on, I got closer and closer to God. He kept revealing to me that I was loved and worthy no matter my faults, past etc.  This was when I started to accept less and love myself more. In November 2014, I ended my relationship and decided it was time to heal the right way.  I struggled with staying single at first. Because of a severely abusive relationship at the age of 19, I formed this habit of bandaging up the pain of my last relationship with a new one. Romantic relationships were my weakness and I thought I’d never learn to live without them. They were to me what heroin is to an addict. The thought of being alone was so gut wrenchingly painful for me.  After a break up, I’d go out every night in search for my next relationship and if I didn’t find someone, I’d get drunk enough so that when I went home to my parents house, I didn’t have to think about sleeping alone. Luckily, it would only take me about 3-4 weeks to find a new boyfriend or else I’d probably be in rehab by now. Sad right? No! Because of my weakness God was able to show me his power. I learned to lean on God when I got lonely. If you told me 2 years ago that I had to be alone for a year, I would have thrown up at the thought of it.  But not only have I learned to live without a man, but I LIVE all alone! If you only understood how hard that concept was for me, you’d know Jesus performs miracles.  My favorite verse in the bible says “for my power is made perfect in weakness,” and now I’m sure you can see why it’s my favorite.

But that’s not all God has done for me this year! When I let God lead he put a life coach/mentor in my life who has become like my sister and she inspires me every day.  Then he put an amazing church in my life and now I get to live out my passion by singing powerful songs there every weekend.  God also put an amazing friend in my life who started a group called Cityfam and we get to feed the homeless, go ice skating together and now we are all headed to Honduras in the summer to help the poor.  Knowing God personally, has pushed me to be more in a new career and now I’m doing financially well at a job I love.  All of these things have happened because I put my life in God’s hands.  I would have never been healthy, happy or at peace, had I not turned all of me over to him.  2015 was one for the books and with God by my side, 2016 will only be better! Let God change you this year. Happy New Year to all of you and remember, you are really, really loved.

A tribute to the baby that saved the world

The story starts with a woman who willingly accepted Gods purpose for her life that almost destroyed her relationship with her fiancé. How many of us would willingly accept a calling for our lives that could possibly stop our marriage from the man we love? 

Mary was engaged to Joseph. And when she told him that she was pregnant and that God spoke to her, he quietly left her. I assume he thought what any other guy would have thought, "she isn't a virgin and she cheated." But like many of us who have tried to run from God, God just doesn't let up. Joseph was pursued over and over in his dreams until he knew in his spirit Mary was telling the truth. Joseph then asked Mary for forgiveness and came back to her. 

As their journey continued it filled every prophecy written in the Old Testament. Every place they had gone from Bethlehem to Egypt to Nazareth, it all was foretold by the greatest prophets who ever lived. 

The baby was then born, and given to us by God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." The baby  would continue to grow up and fulfill the prophecies that were written many many years before. 

But he fulfilled one amazing promise that has changed the world. His life has caused new life every minute of every day. His life has changed lives. His life has changed the world. His life continues to bring hope into a world that sometimes seems hopeless. His life has awakened the sinful, the weak, the insecure. His life is the one life that continues to bring what is dead to life! 

Someone said to me "Jesus is for the weak and the broken." And I almost went into attack mode until I realized how right they were! Who among us has never been weak or have never felt broken? We all have been and we all need to be saved from ourselves. We all need this child that was born so many years ago. He is the life giver and his birth is what saved the world. I praise and give glory for this day for it is the day that saved my life. His life saved mine.

I owe all to you. And I love you so much. Happy birthday Jesus! 

Love always, 

                Jill 

Steps are EVERYTHING!

One step didn't lead you to where you are in life today.  Where you are now was made up of many small steps in that specific direction. 

There is a great thing in knowing this fact. If one step started your course, at any moment you can change your course.  In one of my favorite movies Vanilla Sky, Penelope Cruz says “every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around!” If you’ve made many bad decisions and find yourself standing in a place you don’t really want to be, take one step in the right direction and you have just changed your course. Then after that step, take another small step in the right direction and repeat. Good decision after good decision, you will find yourself standing in the place of joy, rest, and peace even when bad things arise.

Looking at where you want to be can be really overwhelming. But when you see that it's made up of just a bunch of small steps, it doesn’t seem so tough to get there anymore!  Of course you can’t make one step in the right direction and think you are going to be standing where you want to be.  But to the contrary, if you start making many steps in the right direction and then make a bad decision, you aren’t going to be standing back in that bad place you once were. This is where GRACE takes place.  I love grace and all that it has done for my life.  Grace is the very character of God’s nature.  God’s grace is an overflowing of mercy and compassion for our “humanness.”  His grace is what made me take my very first step in the right direction.  I knew if I just tried daily doing the right thing, even if I failed, God’s love for me would still thrive! Knowing that he loved me no matter what, put me up to the challenge of trying to be more like Christ.  I knew he would be with me every step of the way and if I fell, not only would he forgive me, he would also be there to pick me up and comfort me. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of ALL comfort.”-2 Cor. 1:3

As a believer, you can’t do anything to make God love you more or less then he already does.  This doesn’t mean you never sin again or that when you sin you can just dismiss it.  It means God loves you throughout your journey of becoming more Christ like.  It takes many small steps to arrive there and it’s about progress, not perfection!

And if you don’t know which steps are the right steps, God has already made a way.  Just ask him to show you. Prayer, reading verses from the bible and having a relationship with him all cause you to hear his direction for your life.  “Righteousness goes before him and prepares a way for his steps.”-Psalms 85:13.

Listen, you cannot do anything about what is behind you, but you can do a great deal about what lies ahead of you.  “Let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you.”- Proverbs 4:25. You can do this!

I've Been Through the Fire and I'm Thankful

There’s no such thing as too broken.  Or too damaged.  Here you are telling yourself that you’ve been through too much to love someone the right way and have a good relationship.  Here you are telling yourself you will never be a person of high regard because your past is too incriminating. Here you are saying you aren’t worth a certain amount of money because that’s just not where you come from!

Trust me when I say this- “I’ve been through the fire.”  I’ve been beaten.  I’ve been sexually abused.  I’ve been verbally ripped to shreds.  I’ve done the low life in the bars.  I’ve done it all.  I’ve seen things, felt things and heard things that no one should.  But I am no longer a victim of any of it. That fire, I walked through it!  Those men, they are gone! Those words and bruises, don’t mean a thing! 

Do you know what it would mean to me if you had the perfect family, married your high school sweetheart at age 21 and never drank a sip of alcohol and then tried to tell me that God can change my life? Nothing! What an amazing and gracious life that would be but my pain is beauty and so is yours! Now let me ask you, do you know what it would mean to me if you were broke, homeless, and addicted to heroin but now you’re married and successful and tried to tell me that God can change my life?  Then you’d get my attention!  Your life would be a testimony for what God can do for me.  

Your brokenness is what reaches people.  Your humble past and honest truth will help others open up and be honest with you and themselves! Every pain I ever had, had its purpose. In the midst of it, I felt rough and in those moments looked even rougher.  But all of it has made me beautiful. The power I drew from my circumstances and the confidence I have from knowing I got through it is beauty.  God showed me how perfect he was in my times of weakness (2 Cor. 9-10). The worth I see in myself and the abundance that I know awaits me is flawless.  I would have never sought this wisdom if I hadn’t gone through the fire.  Don’t let the past destroy you.  Let it strengthen you! Your pain has a purpose.

Warning: Diamonds are formed under immense heat and pressure. ;)

The Walls Must Come Down

“I’m just comfortable here in this decent paying job and in this ok relationship.  Sure I’m a little bored at work and my boyfriend gets angry here and there but I make acceptable money and at least my boyfriend isn’t an alcoholic or on drugs!” 

How many times have you reasoned with your thoughts as to keep yourself right where you are? How many times have you convinced yourself that you are happy?  How many times did the devil tell you that you are happy just to keep you from the destiny God has for you?

Let me smack you with some truth! We are only as good as we believe ourselves to be.  We only get  what we think we deserve. And these walls are built by our own experiences through parents, society, relationships, outside sources etc. But you don't have to live like that anymore! God didn’t build these walls! These walls aren’t even REAL!  The walls MUST come down!

Did you know that God wants you to step out of your comfort zone and see you grow?  He wants to take you to new heights and places that you never dreamed of.  You serve a big God that can do big things!  God has equipped you with everything you need to have an amazing life. The bible says “he who has started a good work in you is faithful to complete it!”  Don’t you know that you are God’s child and he has blessed you with so much to give you an amazing future? God’s kingdom is not about earning and deserving. It is about believing and receiving.  Be open to what God has for you! Accept his undeserved gift of life and love with a grateful heart!

2 Corinthians 9:8 says “and God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having more then you need, you will abound in every good work.”  Start believing this for yourself.  Start receiving it before it’s even in sight. Take a hammer to the walls, take a leap of faith and let the Lord catch you on the other side where an abundant life lies.  

Make the Change

Many of us are happy getting up doing our normal lives.  It’s comfortable. Day in and day out and making the best of it.  But then other days you wake up and say “there’s got to more.”  Well, at least that’s what has been happening with me the last 2 years.

I read a quote that said “It’s only when Christ dwells within our hearts, that we discover who we are and what we were intended to be.” After I read that, it totally made sense to me why I have been having these tugs at my heart to be “more.” I have been delighting in my relationship with God and he without a doubt dwells in my heart and is showing me my purpose.  So why am I still in the same place?  That’s the difficult part….change.

I keep having opportunities to make a change.  I have opportunities to get out of the same mundane things that I’ve been doing, yet I won’t take the plunge!  Why?! I keep battling that question myself. Then I realize- I’m scared.  I’m scared that when I get there I won’t like it or I will fail or it won’t really be where God wants me.  So there I sit, in my same comfy seat and don’t make a move. 

Is that what God wants for us?  To just be comfortable?  To just be happy right where we are forever?  Of course he wants us to be joyful and thankful in all of our circumstances. But to stay complacent and not ever grow?  In fact, I KNOW that’s not what he wants! 

Think about your earthly father, does he want to see you locked up in your same old life or does he want to see you grow and be successful?  For most of us, it’s the latter. So imagine what your all loving, amazing Father in heaven wants for you! The bible tells us over and over how God wants us to be abundant in all things.  These are the words I need to focus on when I freeze thinking about change. These are the words I need to meditate on!  God wants it ALL For me! He wants to see me reach my full potential and I’m not talking just financially.  I’m talking about in love, relationships, children and my career. He wants the same for you too!

Jesus said to us, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that you may have life and have it ABUNDANTLY!”  Then he said “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and give you a future.” 

What an amazing word from your creator. THAT’S what he wants! And that’s more than enough to take off the security blankets and make the change. 

Patience

The.hardest.thing.ever. I am not a patient person at all. I want answers and I want them now. I want to know my task ahead at work. I want to know where we are going for dinner and what's on the menu before I even get there. I want to know what the plans are for Saturday on Monday! So you can imagine how impatient I am with that ticking clock in the back of my mind telling me "um, you're getting older and you can't have kids when you're 40!"

This impatience has gotten me into BIG trouble over the last 32 years. I have filled the void with the wrong things just to satisfy my impatience. Have you ever left a job you didn't enjoy just to take another job you didn't realize you weren't going to enjoy either because you didn't consult with God about it? Have you ever gotten out of one relationship and just filled it with the next thing that came along without looking to God first? Yea, well so have I. 

Do you realize that because of your impatient reactions, you are actually prolonging your wait for what God has for you?  Mistake after mistake happens and you prolong your destiny. Learn from my lessons learned. I realize that I could already have many of my desires if I had just taken my decisions to God first. I have heard it said "a righteous person trusts God but a proud person depends on himself to make things happen."  I have been so proud for so long. I was TOO proud to be single. I was TOO proud to start from the bottom to get the job I wanted, and the list of my proud moments goes on. 

Is this you too? I know waiting is hard but the consequences of our impatience is harder. Don't you trust that the God who created the earth can certainly bring you your desires and at the right time? Gods timing is perfect just like everything else he does. 

Right now I'm in a season of waiting. But I am learning to trust and to be certain in God's promise to "give me the desires of my heart" (Psalm 37:4). When I start to get impatient I remind myself that the waiting process is actually preparing me for my answer. If I have my answer too early, I may not know how to receive it!
Often times, I question if my answer is already in my life and I am left with uncertainty. This is when I remind myself to remain in Gods presence until he changes my uncertainty. This will not only bring you exactly what God wants for you but it will also bring you peace. 

God said "I am doing something in your days that you would not believe if you were told" (Hab 1:5). I don't know about you but that's something I am willing to wait for! Be patient. It's coming! 

 

All I Need to Know

Disconnected. That's the best way to describe it. For the last month or so, I felt this strange “unsettling” feeling in my core.  Back in the day, this was a normal feeling that I walked around with daily without much thought.  But since I turned my life over to God, I’ve walked with a peace that was unshakeable, so this unsettling feeling was much louder this time around.  What is going on?  Why am I feeling like this? God, are you here?

At first, I ignored it and went about my days.  I thought if I just continued praying and doing all my bible studies, showing up for church etc., that I would eventually feel like God was close to me again and it would just go away.  But, it didn’t.  Then one day the feeling became so overwhelming, I just couldn’t pretend anymore.  So there I was on my knees, hands folded, “GOD! I NEED YOU!  Why do I feel like this?  What is it you want to tell me?  What am I not hearing?  What am I not doing?”  Then I just went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, and like I do every morning, I laid there reading my morning bible app like “one eyed Willy” still having trouble opening my eyes for the day.  Then the bullets started coming at me from every direction.

First I read, “Salvation is found in NO ONE else, for there is NO OTHER name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” –Acts 4:12.

The next thing I did was log onto Facebook and I see “The only relationship that will complete you is one with Christ.” 

Then I walk into my bathroom to get ready for work, turn on music and the song “First” comes on.  The lyrics are “Before I bring my need, I will bring my heart.  I want to seek You FIRST.”  

ALL of these messages were hitting me HARD.  In the Acts verse- “Salvation is found in NO ONE else” spoke to me due to the thoughts that have consumed me lately, which I will get to in a minute.  And then the FB post about my relationship with God being the only one that will complete me and the song about putting God first, I realized were the answers to all my questions in my prayer from the night before.  Let me explain.

If you have been following my blog posts you know that my “no dating” rule that I put in place for myself was lifted this month and I was open to the thought of dating again if God gave me the green light.  I wasn’t out pursuing a relationship but I was open to God bringing the possibility of one- or “so I thought” that’s what I was doing. In reality, the only thing that I have been concerning my thoughts with is dating!

My prayers have gone pretty much like this lately- “Hi God! If blah blah is the one for me or if blah blah blah is, please make it clear to me. And if they aren't the one for me, please shut the door on it. And whoever my husband is let him see clearly when he meets me that I am his wife. Oh yea and thank you for everyone and everything in my life.  Amen.”  Alright, alright, they weren’t that dismissive but you get the picture. 

No wonder I was so off balance! The only thing God heard from me about for the last month was dating.  Gosh, how annoying I must have been! I didn’t ask God on a daily basis what he wanted FROM ME.  I just wanted his help.  I didn’t praise him the way I should or focus on His will for my life.  I was solely focused on MY WILL for my life.  “What would you have me do, where would you have me go and what would you have me say today Lord?”  All those words used to be part of my prayer but I left them out because I became so focused on my needs and wants.

How can I even follow God’s will for my life if I’m not focusing on him at all?  I can’t expect to be guided if I have tunnel vision. God reminded me that morning that he comes first and inevitably from that I would be on the right path and all the right people and things would be in my life. So there is no reason to put anything before him. Ask yourself, are you only taking one thing to God and not really having a true relationship with him? Are you not allowing him to work in your life because you are only focusing on your need? That is what I was doing.

So what did I learn when I finally got in prayer that night and asked God what he was trying to teach me? Let him lead. If God is first, there is NO way you can fail in any part of your life.  If God is first in your life, you will not miss his plan for your relationship, career, or any other important decision. And honestly, for the rest of my life, that may be all I need to know. 

The beauty of just letting go.....

I worry.  Ok, I worry A LOT.   I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or a motherly quality thing or just a human thing, but I worry about EVERYTHING.  I worry when no one answers the phone at my parent’s house. I worry if I’m doing enough and is this the path God has for me?  I worry about getting older and not being able to have children. I worry about missing out on the man that God has for me because of my own superficial thoughts and thoughts like “what would everyone else think if I was with this guy?” So yea, did I mention I worry?

There I sat this week praying about what to write about today and I wasn’t getting an answer from God like I had in the past weeks.  I was walking around praying and thinking about it and I got NOTHING.  Until last night, I was on my knees in my living room picking up a pillow to put on my chair and I looked up and saw the picture that I’ve looked at SO many times, but this time it was like God lit it up with a billion tiny lights. This picture, written in gold says, “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” –Proverbs 31.  Wow!  It HIT me.  Just like that.  She laughs without fear of the future.  “Could you imagine a peace such as that? Being so strong in your faith that no one and no thing could shake you?” I thought to myself.  Well, I want that! 

I know God wants my faith to conquer my fears.  I know that God will work everything out for my good even when I don’t see a way.  I know that God’s plan for me is amazing and I literally have NOTHING to worry about.  If God’s plan for me is to be a mother to an adopted child, then I accept that!  If God’s plan is for me to be single and help other single women in this life, then I accept that and I bet it would be a beautiful life!  If God has me let go of a parent early, I know it’s for a good reason- HIS reason!  God’s plan is SO much better than mine.  So why do I keep trying to control everything myself?  Why don’t I just surrender it all to him when I KNOW that I am safe in his hands?

Luke 12:25 says, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?” And Matthew 6:26 says “Therefore do not worry about what you will eat. Look at the birds of the air. They don’t plant or harvest or store up food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him?” 

God has US! We are valuable to him.  We can’t worry our way into goodness.  His plan for me is far more beautiful than one I could ever plan for myself.  I have to let go and give him my worries.  Even though the plan may not look like what I thought it would, I know it will be God’s plan and God does BIG things.

 I hope you have the strength today to surrender control.  I hope you have the strength today to dig your feet in and have faith.  I hope you can laugh without fear of the future because you know who your God is.  Together, let’s make a decision to Let go and Let God! What do ya say?

Switch Teams

I’m supposed to be this good woman.  This new creation in Christ because I was baptized and all the fruits of the Holy Spirit would rule my life now right? A big fat WRONG.

I fail.  And it’s not like a little tiny fail like “I was texting at work and being disobedient” kind of fail.  I mean I fail like “I am filled with anger and hatred about people and if I didn't get in trouble for it, I’d like to punch them in the face and the words that would come out of my mouth would not be pleasing to the Lord” kind of fail.  Sorry. I know that sounded harsh but I am keeping it real. Do you have people in your life like that?  People that literally could just make you so angry that if it tips the other way you could just cry?   They’ve hurt you.   They’ve wronged you.  They may be in your life still. But for some of you, they may be out of your life and are still hurting you from afar and they don’t even know they are doing it! Now that’s crazy right? No. I’m here to tell you, it’s not! It happens to all of us.  But the one thing that drives out hate is, you guessed it, LOVE.

You’re probably thinking the last feeling you want to have for that person is love for many reasons.  Especially for those of you that have done everything to stop loving this person because they don’t seem to love you the right way or at all.  But trust me when I tell you this- it’s the ONLY way. It’s tough to love a person like this but if you can get there, you will have complete and utter FREEDOM! I love that word by the way. 

Anyway, I was held captive by this hatred.  I was literally in the jail of my mind with this person for days wanting all their flaws to be revealed to the world and I wanted all the horrible things this person did to be put on the cover of a newspaper if I had my way. But without fail, a perfect God peacefully whispered something to my heart that made me realize I was working with the devil.  “What about love?” were the gentle words placed on me.  At that moment I realized I was throwing out everything that God wanted and was only concentrating on “poor ole me.” Do you remember what God wants for all of us?  It’s not just about you.  God wants that person to be well. God created that person to hopefully one day bring him glory.  God wants them to reach their full potential.  So here I was saying how much I loved God, yet I was rooting against him.  Why am I opposing what God wants?  Whose team am I on?  Why would I want a person to fail when that’s not what the Lord that I love so dearly wants for them? Why am I rooting against God? 

I know it’s hard.  But we have to get on God’s side. We have to root for what the Lord is rooting for.  So think about what that might look like.  Right now, take your anger and put it aside and write down what you think the Lord wants for that person.  And in your prayer for the next 30 days, pray for what God’s praying for.  Right now your jersey says you play for “The Fighters” but if you pray God’s prayers, your jersey will soon say “The Free.” God is urging you.  Switch teams.

When the struggle is REAL...

Uh. That thing.  Like a needle in the side. That one thing you need to let go of so that you can grow and be better but you keep going back to it because it’s comfortable or fun or satisfying in the moment.  Whether it’s a relationship, habit or both, we’ve all got them.  But how do we face them?  How do we let them go once and for all?  We know it’s SO not good for us, yet we continue to let it rule our thoughts, our feelings and sometimes even our lives.

Do you know what your struggle is?  Ya know, the one that is so real that after you’ve gone back to that place, it gives you this painstaking guilt that ruins you for days or sends you in a downward spiral?  Contrary to what you may think, this is actually really good news!  There is a positive in this.  It means you are being worked on.  If you didn’t feel that tap on the shoulder saying “I don’t want this for you” then it means you haven’t asked God to change you. But YOU HAVE.  And you deserve a huge pat on the back.  Many people have struggles that they ignore and never let themselves be changed because they convince themselves that what they are doing is right.  But you have allowed something greater than you to start a work in your heart.

So let’s go back to “that thing.”  The one you say you’ll never go back to but you’ve found yourself there again.  Hold on to that thought for a moment.  Hold on to the very thought of that person, place or thing, take a deep breath and say “I release this from me. I release this to something so much bigger than me.  It is no longer mine and it I give it to you God.”  Then also remember it is so important not to hate the thing that you need to let go of.  Hate is a strong emotion that will keep you bonded to it.  Instead, do the opposite. Pray for the very thing that seems attached to you.  Pray the words:

 “Dear Lord, I pray for this struggle.  I pray that it leaves my life because it is not for me.  I pray for this struggle with loving thoughts.  I know you Lord and I know that this is something that you will overcome because you are my strength.  I can’t do this on my own but I know with you anything is possible.” 

Are you already feeling better?  THAT is the power of prayer.  Now imagine doing these two things every day, more than once a day.  Imagine the result it would produce.  It’s not always easy to fight these battles but there is a verse in Exodus that says “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still,” and I believe with my whole heart that it is referring to being still in prayer and letting the Lord fight for you.  I’ve seen first-hand so many of my own battles won in prayer.  I’ve come a long way by fighting battles on my knees.  I am still being perfected every day. I still have so many struggles to get past and as life goes on, there’s always going to be another battle to fight but it sure is comforting to know that there is someone fighting with me and He is the overcomer of all overcomers!  He cheated death so don’t doubt for a second that he won’t win your battle for you.

So yes, the struggle is real.  But those still moments are some of the best moments of my life and I know they will be some of yours too.  I promise.  And remember, don’t beat yourself up if you fail a time or two.  God’s grace is sufficient for you. Receive his Grace and don’t hold on to past mistakes. Let them only catapult you to greatness!

The Waiting Game > The Dating Game

So there I sat last week, excited that my day to finally date again was coming up, all of a sudden fear started not only to creep in but FLOOD! Where the heck did all this come from?

Let me start from the beginning. After I ended my most recent two year codependent relationship built on insecurities from the both of us, I promised myself I wasn’t going to date for 6 months. I was determined to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships and make sure I was whole and healthy for an amazing whole and healthy man.  But as old habits go, they don’t die easy.  After 3 months of singleness, (which was actually a long time for me, as opposed to my usual two weeks) I broke my promise and started doing the EXACT opposite of what I learned, “Let the guy pursue you. Let God bring the right man in your life. Don’t look for him- God will bring him to you.”  Well wasn’t a Facebook request good enough? That was pursuing me, right? Gosh he was cute…like REALLY cute. And he says he loves God! Ok, I’m interested!  We dated and boy did my impatience and disobedience bite me in the butt!  I don’t doubt that the guy loved God, but he also still loved his ex. And on top of that neither of us were as mature in our spiritual walk as we’d hoped to have the Christian relationship we sought after and I fell flat on my face and was left hurting. I reaped the painful reward from trying to make things work my way instead of Gods way. I was brought to my knees and I surrendered.  Just like that hand game “Mercy” we played as kids.  “Mercy, mercy- God do it your way!”  I picked myself back up and started over.  My 6 months became another 6 months.  And I can honestly say, I’ve been as obedient as one could be and now I've reaped the amazing rewards.

The last 5 months have been great!  I haven’t laughed this much or felt this free since I was 16.  I’ve grown.  I’ve moved out on my own and every night I sing to the top of my lungs without anyone yelling at me to shut up (Lol)! I’ve made unbelievable relationships with the opposite sex without any guilt.  And for the most part, I’m pretty healthy in every sense of the word.  I was even forced to face one of my biggest fears and watch my ex get into a relationship while I’ve been single (which was one of the main reasons I got into relationships so quickly in my past.) I thought I’d never survive that. Of course there was pain and it got a little messy but I’m still standing!

So where is this FEAR coming from?  Hadn’t I faced it all? Hadn’t I broken the cycle? All these negative thoughts like “what if I’m too picky and I miss the guy God has for me?”  “What if I’m not picky enough and I end up settling again? What if a friendship gets screwed up because of a date?” And the band of worries came marching in with their loud noisy selves.  I was putting all this pressure on myself.  I was putting all this pressure on dating and what would happen.  That’s when I reached out for Godly advice and like God said “seek and ye shall find.”  

The person gave me solid advice and then sent me a book about dating. I opened the first chapter and there were the words “We are called to love as Jesus loves.”  Powerful.  It expressed how dating to fulfill our own desires was not the way that Jesus loved us.  It said Christian love is about fulfilling the other person’s desires not our own and that dating a person before knowing that they are “the one” is selfish really.  It causes hurt, pain and more sin in the lives of both involved.  This shook me!  The author also drove home the point to put God first and then just hang out with the opposite sex, create true friendships, then God would one day make it clear to me who the one is that he has for me.  And that we would naturally get to the point where we would look at each other and say, “I want to date you to marry you.”  Immediately, I felt like pounds of bricks were lifted off my shoulders.  I felt God’s promise.  I felt him say “Trust me, there’s nothing you can do to miss the man I have for you.”

God doesn’t want us to worry. God wants us to pursue him and focus on him and allow him to do the work.  Waiting can of course cause us some pain but it breeds patience and brings God’s best. Whereas dating for the wrong reasons can cause a lot more pain than waiting ever did!  The waiting game is greater than the dating game. God won’t let you down. He promised. :) 

Deuteronomy 31:8- “GOD is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry."

 

Who does He say you are??

Paul said,  “Am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God?  Or am I striving to please men?  If I were still trying to please men then I wouldn’t be a servant of Christ.” (Gal. 1:10)  This verse reminds us that the only opinion that matters is God’s.  Right?

Ok. So I’m going to get really honest about a struggle of mine.  It’s hard to say because when you bare a weakness, you feel like you’re naked in front of the person you told your weakness to.   So here it goes….”I.care.about.what.people.think.of.me.”  Uh.  This may sound crazy but that’s actually really tough for me to admit. But anyway, maybe some of you can relate? Or maybe all of you? Let’s get really REAL with ourselves.  I know some people brag about how they don’t care what people think about them, but I tend to believe the ones who say that the most are the ones who mean it the least. 

I chose this topic tonight because I knew that it would resonate in a lot of people’s hearts and I also chose it because I am facing this obstacle as we speak.  I hear things about myself and my first line of offense is defense.  I want to fight back.  I want to attack.  And I don’t even want to stop there.  I want to get back at my offender.  Remind you of anyone yet?

In my heart, I know that no matter what I say back won’t change the words already spoken nor will it take my pain away. I’ve learned that it actually only makes me feel worse!  So why when someone slanders my name, do I still yearn to hurt them back knowing it’s just going to come back and hurt me? Even that “sticks and stones” rhyme we said as children says: “Whatever you say bounces of me and sticks to you!”  As silly as that rhyme was, it was TRUE!

Ignore the words of others.  Like Paul said, their opinion doesn’t matter. God wants us to find who we are in Him.  He says we are “children of the most high”, “daughters and sons of the one true King,”  “precious,” we come from “royal bloodlines,” and the list goes on and on.  Whenever someone says something negative, remind yourself of WHO YOU ARE! Don’t allow the comments of others to pierce your heart.  Allow Gods Word to be your rock! Repeat to yourself at times like these, “On Christ the solid rock I stand!”  It’s tough, I know! But I also know it’s possible.

And lastly, when you keep a good heart during these times, God offered us this promise-

“and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame.”  1 Peter 3:16

With that said, rest easy in God’s truth- not mans.

Dirty Word?

Obedience- That word!   A word I have always loathed.  It always seemed to keep me in a box- at least in my mind. I was one of those girls that didn’t like rules and felt no one should have authority over what I say, think or do.  I was a free spirit with the heart of a fighter.   Maybe because of the abuse I endured in my romantic relationships.  But the more “freedom” I exercised and the more fight I put up, the more I found I was hurting myself over and over AND over.

“Don’t tell me I have to leave the bar!”, “don’t tell me I’m not having another!”, “don’t tell me not to dance like that!”.  I HATED being controlled or told what I could or could not do.  But there I sat the next day, hung over with an angry boyfriend and worst of all, the weight of guilt on my shoulders not remembering how the night ended.

So what was I getting out of purposefully being so defiant to any person I got close to?  I thought I was winning.  I thought I was proving that I was in control of myself.  But there I was at 2am with no control of myself at all really!

Remember when you were a child and your parents said “don’t run in the street!”?   As much as it was giving you “boundaries” it was to love, guide and protect you!  If I had the same heart as a child as I did as a young adult- I would have been run over by a car! 

So where does this fit in our adult lives?  God gave us commandments and he gives us whispers throughout the day of what his will is for our life- not to hurt us but to help us.  He loves us.  The same reason my parents said to stay out of the street is the reason God gives us nudges to walk a certain path.  As I got to know my God and realized he wanted nothing more than to protect me and lead me to the best place, I understood that obeying him was my best option for this life.  I needed to see obedience as a “caring” word rather than the dirty word I had always perceived it to be. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am human and still have my days where I’m not always obedient and question God.  But then I feel the consequence of my disobedience and it only strengthens me to be a better woman.   

Psalm 128:1 says “Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him.”  My obedience has blessed me.  The funny thing is, in my days of disobedience I was searching for freedom, but I’ve learned the more obedient I am, the more the Lord entrusts me with. And the freedom I was in search for has been given to me times ten!

So with that said… “Be blessed, be obedient.”

I’m not alone… I’m HIS girl.

I couldn’t bear the thought of “all by myself”, “alone”, “single.” 

            
             Who would I be all by myself?  If I wasn’t “blah blah’s girlfriend” then who was I?  If someone said something bad about me, I couldn’t refute it with “well so and so loves me, so what you say doesn’t matter!”  Because I’m alone and I’m nobody alone.”  Sound familiar?

 
             What a lie from Satan himself.  What wicked schemes he creates to keep us in sinful relationships and constant misery. I believed his lies. Almost every single one of them.  I would literally shake when I was trying to put toothpaste on my toothbrush in the morning after a breakup, so fearful of loneliness. I would go out every night to drink away my pain and at the same time hope to meet someone to fill my loneliness so I didn’t have to wake up alone again. It was a constant cycle that I knew I was in, from relationship to relationship, and I couldn’t get out.

           Then when my relationship with Jesus began, I read the words “he made me complete.” I finally started to realize who I was and little by little, day after day, my confidence grew stronger and stronger.   I started to realize that what other people had to say didn’t even matter anymore because Jesus had my back.  Now when someone had something to say about me I started to confidently tell myself “well Jesus loves me and that’s ALL that matters.”  I wasn’t facing life alone, I had the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit with me.  My worth, knowing that I was “Jesus’ girl” was so much more fulfilling then any man I thought I “belonged” to.  And that name has more power than any of my ex’s names.  

           I have found my number one.  My joy. My freedom. My peace. He will always be put above all men.  The man that comes into my life now will take his place underneath God and will happily understand that. God completes me, whereas my husband will be an amazing addition to my life.  My hope right now is that I am being a light for others and I am bringing others closer to their maker. But one day I know I will have someone who makes my testimony so much stronger once we join forces.  In the meantime, it’s me and God.  And like John Mayer said I’m “Perfectly Lonely.”

He Came for Someone Like Me

I used to sit and think about how I didn’t measure up to a “good religious person.”  I knew God loved me in some way but I never felt “good enough.”  I looked around at other people at church or even certain social settings and thought, “I have so much work to do.” I thought about all my mistakes and sins and felt so unworthy of God’s love to the point that I would just separate myself from God even further. 

I also allowed people into my life that spoke negative words over me and treated me badly. They made me feel damaged and unworthy of God’s best. I questioned if I would even make it into heaven with all of my mistakes. 

But 2 years ago on August 18, 2013 I attended a Christian service (as opposed to the Catholic churches I attended in the past.) The pastor caught my attention when he said I was forgiven the day I believed that Jesus died for my sins. He said Jesus knew all my mistakes I had made and he knew all the ones I’d make in the future and still loves me more than any love I could imagine. That’s why he hangs on the cross. For a sinner like me. For my failures. For my sins- so that I could go to heaven!

I fell in love that day.  I fell in love with a man named Jesus. He became so much more to me then a person in a story that I should be good for.  All that I had ever done wrong was forgiven by God because this loving and sinless man loved me so much that he offered himself to be tortured so that I could live in eternity with him and his father.

Jesus said “It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners.”-  Mark 2:17

I’m so in love now. I have discovered the greatest love story of all….Jesus and Jill’s. I want nothing more than to please this man who saved me from hell. He changed my life. I know my worth now. I won’t accept anything less than God’s best. My life is filled with so much peace and direction.  And it’s all because he came for someone like me.

Why follow this blog?

Have you thought to yourself, “There has to be a better way!”? Or found yourself going through the same thing over and over with the same results? Or what about this question- “Is it me? Am I the reason for all of this pain?’ 

This blog will unlock the answers to those constant questions that you ask yourself every day, week or years after you have fallen yet again.  This blog will pick you up and have you leading a life you never knew was imaginable.  God loves you- ALL of you.  HE broke you so that you could be beautiful, he flawed you so that you see all the reasons you are fabulous.  You see a disaster where he sees a masterpiece. Through this blog I hope you FINALLY see what the Lord sees in you- flaws and all. I hope you FINALLY look in the mirror and see the most loving and beautiful faces of all- Jesus.

I have been down. I have been in some of the darkest of places. I have done the constant cycle of bad relationships, abusive relationships, codependency on men, codependency on alcohol when I was hurting, nights out to hide my pain that led to even more pain, the victim mindset, and more - I’ve been through it all! Now let’s look at that sentence- I’ve. Been. Through. It. All. Most people would look at that sentence and see it as horrible. I look at it and see ALL its beauty. That word “through” is magnificent. It looks simple but carries so much power.  I’ve walked through it. I’ve gotten passed it and here I am- I’ve arrived. Would you follow me on this journey? I’ll hold your hand, you hold mine and with God we will discover anything is possible.

A Purpose in Your Pain....

     Do you know that everything you’ve gone through has a purpose?  Every fall, every tear, every burn.  It shaped you. It taught you. It blessed you.  Now you may read this and say “how can pain bless me?”  But I ask you, is there any other way? Think about when you were a child and you started walking.  I’m sure when you fell down, it hurt.  But it gave you more perseverance to not fall the next time because you didn’t want to hurt again! Well the same goes with your life today. Your pain teaches you. It teaches you to grow and be strong even when it hurts like heck! 

     I read a quote one time that really zapped me to the core.  It was said by one of the most amazing women in history that had to overcome so much just to live in the world, let alone make history! Her name was Helen Keller. She said “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved!’ You are strong from your past. You see clearer from your experience.  Without all you’ve gone through, your soul would not have been awakened to even stumble across this blog.

     Use your pain today for a purpose. Write down how you’ve fallen and how you plan on getting back up stronger than ever so that that you don’t fall down again. Then most importantly, thank God today for allowing this pain to teach you. You’re a beautiful woman of the most high and you are royalty that belongs to the King of Kings.