What a difference a year makes...

I wake up and look in the mirror and think “even though it isn’t the thinner, less wrinkled, 25 year old Jill, this 32 year old woman staring back is finally absolutely beautiful- to me.”  I struggled with loving myself and respecting myself because of what the world said was “cool” and because of those who crossed my path.  But after what seemed to be the worst day of my life, I decided it was time to make a change.

It all started with an awakening that happened at the end of 2013 going into 2014. It was a horrible Christmas night, dealing with screaming and abuse, I thought to myself, “God, why does this keep happening to me?”  In that year, I was determined to find the answer.  After tears, continuous struggles with my relationship, prayers, and reflection, I had to face that the one common denominator in all of it was ME. 

You see, because of what I allowed in my life, I no longer knew who I was in the eyes of God.  And that’s how this cycle all started. Sure my parents and loved ones told me I was precious and even many of my boyfriends.  But the world can eat you up, bad relationships can break you and then you forget who you are.  At least that’s what happened to me. Ten years of allowing others to mistreat me and listening to the world, was like non-stop, chipping away at the person God intended me to be.  Little by little, I turned into a person who wasn’t even sure who she was anymore.  But 2015 changed ALL of that!

After that fight on Christmas night, I started to become aware that I needed God more.  So I threw myself into his arms and let him lead more often. However, I still had one foot in and one foot out and I was constantly in a battle in my relationship. But as the year went on, I got closer and closer to God. He kept revealing to me that I was loved and worthy no matter my faults, past etc.  This was when I started to accept less and love myself more. In November 2014, I ended my relationship and decided it was time to heal the right way.  I struggled with staying single at first. Because of a severely abusive relationship at the age of 19, I formed this habit of bandaging up the pain of my last relationship with a new one. Romantic relationships were my weakness and I thought I’d never learn to live without them. They were to me what heroin is to an addict. The thought of being alone was so gut wrenchingly painful for me.  After a break up, I’d go out every night in search for my next relationship and if I didn’t find someone, I’d get drunk enough so that when I went home to my parents house, I didn’t have to think about sleeping alone. Luckily, it would only take me about 3-4 weeks to find a new boyfriend or else I’d probably be in rehab by now. Sad right? No! Because of my weakness God was able to show me his power. I learned to lean on God when I got lonely. If you told me 2 years ago that I had to be alone for a year, I would have thrown up at the thought of it.  But not only have I learned to live without a man, but I LIVE all alone! If you only understood how hard that concept was for me, you’d know Jesus performs miracles.  My favorite verse in the bible says “for my power is made perfect in weakness,” and now I’m sure you can see why it’s my favorite.

But that’s not all God has done for me this year! When I let God lead he put a life coach/mentor in my life who has become like my sister and she inspires me every day.  Then he put an amazing church in my life and now I get to live out my passion by singing powerful songs there every weekend.  God also put an amazing friend in my life who started a group called Cityfam and we get to feed the homeless, go ice skating together and now we are all headed to Honduras in the summer to help the poor.  Knowing God personally, has pushed me to be more in a new career and now I’m doing financially well at a job I love.  All of these things have happened because I put my life in God’s hands.  I would have never been healthy, happy or at peace, had I not turned all of me over to him.  2015 was one for the books and with God by my side, 2016 will only be better! Let God change you this year. Happy New Year to all of you and remember, you are really, really loved.

A tribute to the baby that saved the world

The story starts with a woman who willingly accepted Gods purpose for her life that almost destroyed her relationship with her fiancé. How many of us would willingly accept a calling for our lives that could possibly stop our marriage from the man we love? 

Mary was engaged to Joseph. And when she told him that she was pregnant and that God spoke to her, he quietly left her. I assume he thought what any other guy would have thought, "she isn't a virgin and she cheated." But like many of us who have tried to run from God, God just doesn't let up. Joseph was pursued over and over in his dreams until he knew in his spirit Mary was telling the truth. Joseph then asked Mary for forgiveness and came back to her. 

As their journey continued it filled every prophecy written in the Old Testament. Every place they had gone from Bethlehem to Egypt to Nazareth, it all was foretold by the greatest prophets who ever lived. 

The baby was then born, and given to us by God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." The baby  would continue to grow up and fulfill the prophecies that were written many many years before. 

But he fulfilled one amazing promise that has changed the world. His life has caused new life every minute of every day. His life has changed lives. His life has changed the world. His life continues to bring hope into a world that sometimes seems hopeless. His life has awakened the sinful, the weak, the insecure. His life is the one life that continues to bring what is dead to life! 

Someone said to me "Jesus is for the weak and the broken." And I almost went into attack mode until I realized how right they were! Who among us has never been weak or have never felt broken? We all have been and we all need to be saved from ourselves. We all need this child that was born so many years ago. He is the life giver and his birth is what saved the world. I praise and give glory for this day for it is the day that saved my life. His life saved mine.

I owe all to you. And I love you so much. Happy birthday Jesus! 

Love always, 

                Jill 

Steps are EVERYTHING!

One step didn't lead you to where you are in life today.  Where you are now was made up of many small steps in that specific direction. 

There is a great thing in knowing this fact. If one step started your course, at any moment you can change your course.  In one of my favorite movies Vanilla Sky, Penelope Cruz says “every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around!” If you’ve made many bad decisions and find yourself standing in a place you don’t really want to be, take one step in the right direction and you have just changed your course. Then after that step, take another small step in the right direction and repeat. Good decision after good decision, you will find yourself standing in the place of joy, rest, and peace even when bad things arise.

Looking at where you want to be can be really overwhelming. But when you see that it's made up of just a bunch of small steps, it doesn’t seem so tough to get there anymore!  Of course you can’t make one step in the right direction and think you are going to be standing where you want to be.  But to the contrary, if you start making many steps in the right direction and then make a bad decision, you aren’t going to be standing back in that bad place you once were. This is where GRACE takes place.  I love grace and all that it has done for my life.  Grace is the very character of God’s nature.  God’s grace is an overflowing of mercy and compassion for our “humanness.”  His grace is what made me take my very first step in the right direction.  I knew if I just tried daily doing the right thing, even if I failed, God’s love for me would still thrive! Knowing that he loved me no matter what, put me up to the challenge of trying to be more like Christ.  I knew he would be with me every step of the way and if I fell, not only would he forgive me, he would also be there to pick me up and comfort me. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of ALL comfort.”-2 Cor. 1:3

As a believer, you can’t do anything to make God love you more or less then he already does.  This doesn’t mean you never sin again or that when you sin you can just dismiss it.  It means God loves you throughout your journey of becoming more Christ like.  It takes many small steps to arrive there and it’s about progress, not perfection!

And if you don’t know which steps are the right steps, God has already made a way.  Just ask him to show you. Prayer, reading verses from the bible and having a relationship with him all cause you to hear his direction for your life.  “Righteousness goes before him and prepares a way for his steps.”-Psalms 85:13.

Listen, you cannot do anything about what is behind you, but you can do a great deal about what lies ahead of you.  “Let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you.”- Proverbs 4:25. You can do this!