What a difference a year makes...

I wake up and look in the mirror and think “even though it isn’t the thinner, less wrinkled, 25 year old Jill, this 32 year old woman staring back is finally absolutely beautiful- to me.”  I struggled with loving myself and respecting myself because of what the world said was “cool” and because of those who crossed my path.  But after what seemed to be the worst day of my life, I decided it was time to make a change.

It all started with an awakening that happened at the end of 2013 going into 2014. It was a horrible Christmas night, dealing with screaming and abuse, I thought to myself, “God, why does this keep happening to me?”  In that year, I was determined to find the answer.  After tears, continuous struggles with my relationship, prayers, and reflection, I had to face that the one common denominator in all of it was ME. 

You see, because of what I allowed in my life, I no longer knew who I was in the eyes of God.  And that’s how this cycle all started. Sure my parents and loved ones told me I was precious and even many of my boyfriends.  But the world can eat you up, bad relationships can break you and then you forget who you are.  At least that’s what happened to me. Ten years of allowing others to mistreat me and listening to the world, was like non-stop, chipping away at the person God intended me to be.  Little by little, I turned into a person who wasn’t even sure who she was anymore.  But 2015 changed ALL of that!

After that fight on Christmas night, I started to become aware that I needed God more.  So I threw myself into his arms and let him lead more often. However, I still had one foot in and one foot out and I was constantly in a battle in my relationship. But as the year went on, I got closer and closer to God. He kept revealing to me that I was loved and worthy no matter my faults, past etc.  This was when I started to accept less and love myself more. In November 2014, I ended my relationship and decided it was time to heal the right way.  I struggled with staying single at first. Because of a severely abusive relationship at the age of 19, I formed this habit of bandaging up the pain of my last relationship with a new one. Romantic relationships were my weakness and I thought I’d never learn to live without them. They were to me what heroin is to an addict. The thought of being alone was so gut wrenchingly painful for me.  After a break up, I’d go out every night in search for my next relationship and if I didn’t find someone, I’d get drunk enough so that when I went home to my parents house, I didn’t have to think about sleeping alone. Luckily, it would only take me about 3-4 weeks to find a new boyfriend or else I’d probably be in rehab by now. Sad right? No! Because of my weakness God was able to show me his power. I learned to lean on God when I got lonely. If you told me 2 years ago that I had to be alone for a year, I would have thrown up at the thought of it.  But not only have I learned to live without a man, but I LIVE all alone! If you only understood how hard that concept was for me, you’d know Jesus performs miracles.  My favorite verse in the bible says “for my power is made perfect in weakness,” and now I’m sure you can see why it’s my favorite.

But that’s not all God has done for me this year! When I let God lead he put a life coach/mentor in my life who has become like my sister and she inspires me every day.  Then he put an amazing church in my life and now I get to live out my passion by singing powerful songs there every weekend.  God also put an amazing friend in my life who started a group called Cityfam and we get to feed the homeless, go ice skating together and now we are all headed to Honduras in the summer to help the poor.  Knowing God personally, has pushed me to be more in a new career and now I’m doing financially well at a job I love.  All of these things have happened because I put my life in God’s hands.  I would have never been healthy, happy or at peace, had I not turned all of me over to him.  2015 was one for the books and with God by my side, 2016 will only be better! Let God change you this year. Happy New Year to all of you and remember, you are really, really loved.