Slammed Shut

So many times in my life I've gripped on to things so tightly, desperate to hold on. Whether it was friendships, relationships, a business venture or just things, I held on to some of them for far too long. The door would be shutting and God was saying "no" but I fought with all my might to keep it open or to make it happen. 

Have you ever been there? I can think of so many times being in pain over what I thought I "needed" when God was simply saying "trust me and let it be." If I had only listened and obeyed, I would have avoided so many tears. I remember dating someone and having so much anxiety about it, that I could hardly eat and lost 10 pounds just two months into the relationship. God was telling me no but I was saying yes and a month later I found out he wasn't being loyal. I wanted it so bad that I ignored the Holy Spirits guidance and ended up being hurt badly. Sometimes we allow our flesh to make the decisions to fulfill our needs but it never ends good. Matthew 26:41 says that we must let the spirit lead. It states, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." 

We are all tempted to let our flesh lead everyday! But praying about all things and turning to God to lead the way will be your strength. I for one have always had a bad "picker." I wasn't very good at picking good men. It was then that I realized that I couldn't let myself choose anymore and I had to let God choose for me. And as I've been on this dating journey the last 6 months, I have felt the spirits guidance the whole way. I used to get into a relationship as soon as possible to satisfy my flesh. But now by letting the Holy Spirit lead, the difference is so clear to me between what is God's will and what is not.

I look back now and I am so thankful for closed doors. They were God's protection over my life! Had he let those doors stay open any longer, I may not be sitting here to write this blog. Let God lead. Let him close doors. Stop holding on so tight! You don't have to hold on tight or chase what God has meant for you. The best part is, when you give up control to God, you get to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride! 

As the world gets darker...

This world. It gets scarier. It gets angrier. It gets darker. Days go by and something new hurts my heart daily that I see while scrolling through Facebook, or in listening to the news. People battling it out on social media, someone young dies from cancer, a young girl is bullied, two police get shot and killed while trying to protect others, a little girl dies sleigh riding because she's hit by a car. Why so much pain? I'd like to think I understand....

Jesus says this world is fleeting. It's temporary. Yet so many hold on to it for dear life. We want to hold on to life but God says "this world wasn't meant for forever, and I'll show you that everyday until you understand." You see, I wouldn't know how to go through life if I didn't know my home is with Jesus in heaven. I've heard so many Christians deal with tragic events so gracefully. A friend of mine, 25 years old, grew up without knowing her dad, she had one aunt that died two years ago and the only one she had left was her mom up until 6 months ago when she was taken by cancer. At Christmas she said she'd be spending it with her best friends family. How does one go on with the rest of her life with no family? When asked "how are you still standing?" She replies with a strength "I'm ok because I know Gods got a plan." Do you know what kind of faith that takes? 

I know there is pain in this world and sometimes it's so hard to understand why. It's so hard not to be fearful of tomorrow but that's not what God wants for us. God wants us to trust him. He wants us to be strong in our faith and realize that "you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."(James4:14). Don't hold on to life but to God. Jesus is your only way to everlasting life. 

The girl I told you about is a light for me. I see the strength of the Lord in her. I heard it said "that as this world gets darker, Christians get brighter." I see this truth regularly. We are the salt of the world, the light of the world, and when things get dark let your faith be so strong, that people feel your flame.  

There will be sheep...

A few years back, I was looking at people's lives on Facebook. Sometimes I'd see smiling faces but knew their stories personally. Others would post there unhappiness or attitudes right there in plain sight. I'd also see their empty "good times" and knew what that night was really like because I had just had one of my own! In my soul I knew I didn't want to keep down this road. I just couldn't. 

We've all heard the saying about taking the road less traveled and I knew I had to take it! I knew setting out on this path wasn't going to be easy but it was going to be worth it.

I also knew being vocal about it and my decisions to live life a different way then most, was going to raise a few eyebrows and held the possibility of losing "friends." But I was willing knowing the real ones would stay. 

I wanted good, healthy people that surrounded me. I wanted to have people who would take me to new levels of thinking. I wanted to go higher! Our days are numbered and I personally wanted to look back and say I gave my all with what I had. And at that moment in my life, I was giving very little. I was focused on "self" and was just getting by in my relationships, getting by with my job, getting by with friends and family and wasn't contributing much to society other then the money it cost to shop for weekend outfits and dinner/bar tabs. There had to be MORE! 

The good new is- there was! When I began to search for more, God was right there giving it me! It started with books that seemed to fall off the shelves asking me to read them. Then a woman who just seemed to appear out of no where that said she wanted to mentor me. Then not long after that, new people started to show up in my life that contributed to society by serving homeless shelters, drug centers etc. But they also wanted real, faithful, encouraging relationships like me. And in the midst of all of it God was speaking to me telling me my purpose. My life truly came together. 

But as all stories go, there are bumps in the road. God was giving me what I needed, exactly when I needed it but there were and still are things that try to come against me. The enemy wants nothing more then for us to fail! He uses people, situations, money etc, to keep us from our destiny. Jesus even told us in the bible that when we choose to follow him, we will come against opposition. But he promises to be our strength and overcomer. The bible says, "when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame" and "if you are insulted in the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you." Do you understand what this is saying? God will not only defend you but he will also bless you in front of your enemies! 

So when you choose the path of greatness, faith and righteousness, know you will come against things but the reward is far greater! Be bold like a lion and don't be threatened by the opinions of sheep. Like Luke 6:27-28 says "love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Bless and pray for those who mistreat you." Because no matter what, in the end, you are still the blessed one. 

GPS- Gods Planning System

I remember when turning a year older was such a scary thought. I kept keeping myself on these crazy time constraints. Like, "I need to get married by this time and I need to have kids by this time, I need, I need, I need." I remember waking up on my birthday a couple years ago and hysterically crying because I was in a relationship that I knew in my heart wasn't going to last, and that meant I still "needed" to break up with him, meet someone new, AND get married to finally have kids! I was a wreck thinking how long all this would take! Have you ever been there? 

Well, something major changed all that. My faith. As I got into the word, I read all these verses like "Gods timing is perfect." "God is my rock." "Wait on the Lord." "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." "He is doing a new thing in you." These verses were speaking right to my heart.  I began to realize I didn't need to be married by a certain time or need kids at a certain time. What I NEEDED was a firm foundation. A rock. I needed to realize that I was being worked on. And that Gods timing is perfect for my life and that I just wasn't ready for what "I" thought I needed! I would have married the wrong guy had I adhered to all the time tables I created for myself! I wouldn't have been the best mom I could be had I rushed into what "I" thought I needed! 

Instead of being scared of time, now I wake up every day excited for growth. I'm like a little kid again, excited for another year and all it will bring! God has plans for all of us. But you have to let him lead. His timing is perfect. God allowed me to find out who I was before He brought anyone else into the equation permanently. And I'm forever grateful for that. 

When you think you should have something and you still don't- trust in the Lord! He knows your desires and just like a good father, he wants to give them to you! Have faith that God knows best! I heard a saying once that I always remind myself of whenever I start to lose hope. It makes me laugh and puts things back into Gods hands. It says, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!" I love it! 

So moral of the story, have hope and trust in your creator. Let God lead, he's the best navigation system out there!

What a difference a year makes...

I wake up and look in the mirror and think “even though it isn’t the thinner, less wrinkled, 25 year old Jill, this 32 year old woman staring back is finally absolutely beautiful- to me.”  I struggled with loving myself and respecting myself because of what the world said was “cool” and because of those who crossed my path.  But after what seemed to be the worst day of my life, I decided it was time to make a change.

It all started with an awakening that happened at the end of 2013 going into 2014. It was a horrible Christmas night, dealing with screaming and abuse, I thought to myself, “God, why does this keep happening to me?”  In that year, I was determined to find the answer.  After tears, continuous struggles with my relationship, prayers, and reflection, I had to face that the one common denominator in all of it was ME. 

You see, because of what I allowed in my life, I no longer knew who I was in the eyes of God.  And that’s how this cycle all started. Sure my parents and loved ones told me I was precious and even many of my boyfriends.  But the world can eat you up, bad relationships can break you and then you forget who you are.  At least that’s what happened to me. Ten years of allowing others to mistreat me and listening to the world, was like non-stop, chipping away at the person God intended me to be.  Little by little, I turned into a person who wasn’t even sure who she was anymore.  But 2015 changed ALL of that!

After that fight on Christmas night, I started to become aware that I needed God more.  So I threw myself into his arms and let him lead more often. However, I still had one foot in and one foot out and I was constantly in a battle in my relationship. But as the year went on, I got closer and closer to God. He kept revealing to me that I was loved and worthy no matter my faults, past etc.  This was when I started to accept less and love myself more. In November 2014, I ended my relationship and decided it was time to heal the right way.  I struggled with staying single at first. Because of a severely abusive relationship at the age of 19, I formed this habit of bandaging up the pain of my last relationship with a new one. Romantic relationships were my weakness and I thought I’d never learn to live without them. They were to me what heroin is to an addict. The thought of being alone was so gut wrenchingly painful for me.  After a break up, I’d go out every night in search for my next relationship and if I didn’t find someone, I’d get drunk enough so that when I went home to my parents house, I didn’t have to think about sleeping alone. Luckily, it would only take me about 3-4 weeks to find a new boyfriend or else I’d probably be in rehab by now. Sad right? No! Because of my weakness God was able to show me his power. I learned to lean on God when I got lonely. If you told me 2 years ago that I had to be alone for a year, I would have thrown up at the thought of it.  But not only have I learned to live without a man, but I LIVE all alone! If you only understood how hard that concept was for me, you’d know Jesus performs miracles.  My favorite verse in the bible says “for my power is made perfect in weakness,” and now I’m sure you can see why it’s my favorite.

But that’s not all God has done for me this year! When I let God lead he put a life coach/mentor in my life who has become like my sister and she inspires me every day.  Then he put an amazing church in my life and now I get to live out my passion by singing powerful songs there every weekend.  God also put an amazing friend in my life who started a group called Cityfam and we get to feed the homeless, go ice skating together and now we are all headed to Honduras in the summer to help the poor.  Knowing God personally, has pushed me to be more in a new career and now I’m doing financially well at a job I love.  All of these things have happened because I put my life in God’s hands.  I would have never been healthy, happy or at peace, had I not turned all of me over to him.  2015 was one for the books and with God by my side, 2016 will only be better! Let God change you this year. Happy New Year to all of you and remember, you are really, really loved.

A tribute to the baby that saved the world

The story starts with a woman who willingly accepted Gods purpose for her life that almost destroyed her relationship with her fiancé. How many of us would willingly accept a calling for our lives that could possibly stop our marriage from the man we love? 

Mary was engaged to Joseph. And when she told him that she was pregnant and that God spoke to her, he quietly left her. I assume he thought what any other guy would have thought, "she isn't a virgin and she cheated." But like many of us who have tried to run from God, God just doesn't let up. Joseph was pursued over and over in his dreams until he knew in his spirit Mary was telling the truth. Joseph then asked Mary for forgiveness and came back to her. 

As their journey continued it filled every prophecy written in the Old Testament. Every place they had gone from Bethlehem to Egypt to Nazareth, it all was foretold by the greatest prophets who ever lived. 

The baby was then born, and given to us by God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." The baby  would continue to grow up and fulfill the prophecies that were written many many years before. 

But he fulfilled one amazing promise that has changed the world. His life has caused new life every minute of every day. His life has changed lives. His life has changed the world. His life continues to bring hope into a world that sometimes seems hopeless. His life has awakened the sinful, the weak, the insecure. His life is the one life that continues to bring what is dead to life! 

Someone said to me "Jesus is for the weak and the broken." And I almost went into attack mode until I realized how right they were! Who among us has never been weak or have never felt broken? We all have been and we all need to be saved from ourselves. We all need this child that was born so many years ago. He is the life giver and his birth is what saved the world. I praise and give glory for this day for it is the day that saved my life. His life saved mine.

I owe all to you. And I love you so much. Happy birthday Jesus! 

Love always, 

                Jill 

Steps are EVERYTHING!

One step didn't lead you to where you are in life today.  Where you are now was made up of many small steps in that specific direction. 

There is a great thing in knowing this fact. If one step started your course, at any moment you can change your course.  In one of my favorite movies Vanilla Sky, Penelope Cruz says “every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around!” If you’ve made many bad decisions and find yourself standing in a place you don’t really want to be, take one step in the right direction and you have just changed your course. Then after that step, take another small step in the right direction and repeat. Good decision after good decision, you will find yourself standing in the place of joy, rest, and peace even when bad things arise.

Looking at where you want to be can be really overwhelming. But when you see that it's made up of just a bunch of small steps, it doesn’t seem so tough to get there anymore!  Of course you can’t make one step in the right direction and think you are going to be standing where you want to be.  But to the contrary, if you start making many steps in the right direction and then make a bad decision, you aren’t going to be standing back in that bad place you once were. This is where GRACE takes place.  I love grace and all that it has done for my life.  Grace is the very character of God’s nature.  God’s grace is an overflowing of mercy and compassion for our “humanness.”  His grace is what made me take my very first step in the right direction.  I knew if I just tried daily doing the right thing, even if I failed, God’s love for me would still thrive! Knowing that he loved me no matter what, put me up to the challenge of trying to be more like Christ.  I knew he would be with me every step of the way and if I fell, not only would he forgive me, he would also be there to pick me up and comfort me. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of ALL comfort.”-2 Cor. 1:3

As a believer, you can’t do anything to make God love you more or less then he already does.  This doesn’t mean you never sin again or that when you sin you can just dismiss it.  It means God loves you throughout your journey of becoming more Christ like.  It takes many small steps to arrive there and it’s about progress, not perfection!

And if you don’t know which steps are the right steps, God has already made a way.  Just ask him to show you. Prayer, reading verses from the bible and having a relationship with him all cause you to hear his direction for your life.  “Righteousness goes before him and prepares a way for his steps.”-Psalms 85:13.

Listen, you cannot do anything about what is behind you, but you can do a great deal about what lies ahead of you.  “Let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you.”- Proverbs 4:25. You can do this!